The Useless Blog

Just another useless thing.

Archive for May, 2006

19 eighty-four

Posted by Saf on May 26, 2006

How Will You Die?
Nathaniel Berg – While in a movie theater, a crazed man with a gun begins firing shots randomly. You're struck in the back of the head and fall slumped over in your seat as blood pours from your mouth.

Paul Reidhaar – You get out of bed late one night to investigate a strange sound. Minutes later, you're cornered by several intruders and are beaten to death with your own fireplace tools.

Clint Goble – While walking to your car after visiting a friend in a rather bad part of town, you are caught in the middle of a drive-by shooting. You are hit several times in the chest. You watch as blood pours from your body as you fall to the ground. You die from massive blood loss.

Jared Freemen – While in a batting cage, you're struck in the chest by a baseball. You enter cardiac arrest and die within minutes.

Keith Heimann – While crossing what is typically a very quiet street, you're struck by a speeding motorist and are killed instantly.

Bob Horne – A group of disgruntled coworkers duct tapes you to a wall and uses you as a human dartboard. You die from agonizingly slow blood loss caused by hundreds of puncture wounds.

Katy Anderson – While rummaging through the trunk of your car, a disgruntled neighbor approaches you from behind and slams the trunk repeatedly onto you, eventually cutting you in half at the waist.

Josh Hargrave – While in a hardware store, a strange man picks up an axe and attacks you with it, dismembering your body.

Kyle Brower – A deranged cook at a Chinese restaurant attacks you violently with a meat cleaver after you complain about your meal.

Amy Reidhaar – You are involved in a car accident while failing to wear your seatbelt. You are thrown through the windshield, and your lifeless body is splattered onto the street.

Kevin Boedeker – As the unfortunate target of a serial killer, you are stripped and chained to the ground spread-eagle. Your torso is slit open with a razor blade, and you are covered with dozens of large rats, which proceed to feed their way into your body.

Posted in Lists | 3 Comments »

18 seconds before sunrise

Posted by Saf on May 24, 2006

Before I Die
I wanna sing like Bowling For Soup
I wanna rap like my dogg Snoop
I wanna go to France and take a poop
I wanna take Kobe to the hoop

I wanna do all that I can before I die
If I don’t I might as well die
I’m telling the truth I wouldn’t lie
Don’t wanna go to hell when I die

I wanna take a walk on the moon
I wanna wake up before noon
I wanna own a flying car, soon
I wanna eat soup with a spoon

I wanna go to Japan before I die
If I don’t I might as well die
I’m telling the truth I wouldn’t lie
Don’t wanna go to hell when I die

I wanna take a trip to Kalamazoo
I wanna make an album chopped and screwed
I wanna have a kid or maybe two
I wanna swim in a pool of Mountain Dew

I wanna become a man before I die
If I don’t I might as well die
I’m telling the truth I wouldn’t lie
Don’t wanna go to hell when I die

Posted in Lyrics | 3 Comments »

I learned the truth at 17

Posted by Saf on May 19, 2006

People I would love to slap Vol. 2

1. Everyone that worked on Superman IV, for making that garbage and ruining a great series of movies.
2. George Lucas, do I really need to explain, have you seen the new Star Wars movies, they are trash when compared to the originals.
3. Jake Gyllenhaal, I wish I could quit slap you.
4. Colin Farrell, I don’t think I have seen one movie with him that I liked.
5. Mel Gibson, I wish he would just leave behind The Passion and Apocalypto and start doing movies like Mad Max and Lethal Weapon again.
6. Jennifer Lopez, not only is she a terrible actor and a bad singer, I don’t find her that attractive.
7. Will Ferrell, because he does not know how to turn down any movie that his is offered.
8. Nintendo, because they changed the name of the Revolution to the Wii.
9. Britney Spears, because she used to be so hott.
10. Tom Cruise again, I still really want to slap him.

Posted in Lists | 4 Comments »

16 Candles

Posted by Saf on May 16, 2006

Time (Never Stops)
First they grow up
Then the grow beards
Then they grow hair out of their ears

They learn to walk
They learn to run
They learn to ride a bike for fun

Time, never stops, it never stops for anyone
Time, never stops, it never stops so have fun

Next they go to school
Then they go to work
Then they go to hell if they’re a jerk

They learn to run
They learn to read
They learn to buy the things they need

Time, never stops, it never stops for anyone
Time, never stops, it never stops so have fun

They learn to read
They learn to write
They learn to defend themselves in a fight

They have sex
They have a kid
It grows up like they did

Time, never stops, it never stops for anyone
Time, never stops, it never stops so have fun

Posted in Lyrics | 2 Comments »

15 there’s still time for you

Posted by Saf on May 12, 2006

You’re Ugly (James Blunt – You're Beautiful)

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
She’s not an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
I saw her on the subway.
She looked like a man.
I told her there’s one thing that,
You must understand.

You're ugly. You're ugly.
You're ugly, it's true.
I saw your face and it’s a disgrace,
And its time you know the truth,
'Cause it make me want to puke.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As she walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Gonna cry,
And I hope that I won’t see her again,
If I burned out my eyes the visions still wouldn’t end.

You're ugly. You're ugly.
You're ugly, it's true.
I saw your face and it’s a disgrace,
And its time you know the truth,
'Cause it make me want to puke.

You're ugly. You're ugly.
You're ugly, it's true.
Her mother must have had tears on face,
When she gave birth to you.
And its time you know the truth,'
Cause it make me want to puke.

Posted in Lyrics | 3 Comments »

14 girls in baggy pajamas

Posted by Saf on May 10, 2006

I Might be a Faggot
I like watching Queer Eye
And I shave my balls and chest
When I watch romantic movies I cry
And I don’t like female breasts
I wear hot pants and pink shirts
And I enjoy Clay Aiken concerts 

I really might be a faggot
I really could be a homo
I really may be filled with gay
I really just don’t know, though 

I like watching Will & Grace
My best friend is a fat girl
I love having balls in my face
And I get mustache rides from Earl
I enjoy watching ballets and plays
And I fondle balls and give BJ’s 

I really might be a faggot
I really could be a homo
I really may be filled with gay
I really just don’t know, though 

I like watching gay porn
I always have dick on my mind
I haven’t seen a vagina since I was born
And I like taking it from behind
I love when you stick it in my butt
It makes me want to bust a nut 

I really might be a faggot
I really could be a homo
I really may be filled with gay
I really just don’t know, though

Posted in Lyrics | 3 Comments »

Friday the 13th

Posted by Saf on May 6, 2006

Top 10 Animated & Video Sites

1. Rooster Teeth – I love Rooster Teeth because of Red vs. Blue, which is a funny show starring Halo characters.
2. Break – I think of this site as Americas Funniest Home Videos on the internet, which means they are typically more graphic.
3. Happy Tree Friends – Cute, cuddly, and horribly wrong… It's the Happy Tree Friends! They may be sugary sweet, but there's no way they'll escape their horrible fate! What chaos will these critters experience next?
4. You Tube – You Tube is an amazing site that you can find any video you want
5. In2TV – This site from AOL allows you to watch many of your favorite shows from the past for free, and yes that includes Pinky and The Brain.
6. Newgrounds – Newgrounds is a great site for animated videos and games.
7. Homestar Runner – Many animated shows starring some retard named Homestar Runner.
8. Channel 101 / Channel 102 – These are 2 internet TV channels that have new episodes each month and people vote on their favorites and shows either get canceled or picked up for another month based on the votes.
9. Google Video – This site is just another step taking by Google to rule the world.
10. ifilm – Another great site that you can find all sorts of neat little videos.
Bonus: Extreme Dubbed Movies – I threw this in as a bonus because you can find all these videos on You Tube, and what they are is some took the time to dub over Aladdin and make some pretty funny videos.

Posted in Lists | Leave a Comment »

12 step program

Posted by Saf on May 3, 2006

I Bet You’re a Dude
We both like watching football
We both love watching Jet Li brawl
We both hate shopping at the mall
And we are both pretty tall

I bet you’re a dude
That’s why we’re so alike
I bet you’re a dude
That’s why you ride a bike
I bet you’re a dude
Or maybe you’re a dyke

We both love The Mighty Ducks
We both think Clay Aiken’s a sucks
We both love monster trucks
And we both love to f–k

I bet you’re a dude
That’s why we are so alike
I bet you’re a dude
That’s why you ride a bike
I bet you’re a dude
Or maybe a dyke

We both love movies where things blow up
We both hate when gay guys show up
We’re Toys R Us kids we don’t want to grow up
We don’t need anyone to hold our hair when we throw up

I bet you’re a dude
That’s why we are so alike
I bet you’re a dude
That’s why you ride a bike
I bet you’re a dude
Or maybe a dyke

We both enjoy corn on the cob
We can both hear your heart throb
We both live like a couple of slobs
We both love getting blow jobs

Posted in Lyrics | 1 Comment »