37 Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss

Cartoon Rules
1. Characters often blow up, fall off cliffs, or get squashed by anvils, but are unharmed.
2. Everything you buy from ACME is junk and blows up in your face, literally.
3. Anytime cartoon characters enter a dark place all that is visible is their eyes.
4. The mouse always outsmarts the cat.
5. The rules of gravity don’t apply, characters can walk of cliffs and float in the air for as many as 5 seconds before looking down and realizing the are no longer on solid ground.
6. When characters get hit on the head birds or stars fly around their head.
7. Bugs always fly around in large clouds.
8. Duck’s bills are magical, they can move around the ducks head when they are hit with something or they will be the only thing remaining when a duck blows up and the body turns to ashes
9. Animals usually wear shirts but not pants for some reason.
10. When characters run down a hallway or something you see the same lamp and picture repeated over and over in the background.

The 36 Strategies of Ancient China

Summer v. Winter
In the summer your balls stick to your legs because of sweat, in the winter your balls stick to your legs because they are frozen. In the summer the temperature is 80, in winter the temperature is 8. In summer people complain about the weather being to hot, in winter people complain about the weather being to cold. In the summer lots of people go swimming, in the winter less people go swimming. In the summer people have water balloon fights which fell good because it is hot outside, in the winter people have snowball fights which never feel good because it is cold outside and snowballs are hard. In the summer you get 3 months off school for Summer Vacation, in the winter you get 3 weeks off of school for Winter Vacation. In the winter Santa comes and brings you presents, in the summer you forget all about the presents Santa brought.

Episode 35: The Road to Black Bayou Part Two

Sitcom Rules
I finally graduated from movie rules and moved on to TV rules. You may be asking yourself what makes me such and expert on TV and I will respond by telling you that I watch a heck of a lot of TV:

1. There is often a fat man with a hot wife that would never talk to the man in real life.
2. Everyone hates their in-laws, no matter what.
3. There is often a staircase in the main room and another in the kitchen, both leading upstairs even though I have never seen a real house with 2 staircases.
4. In bedrooms there is always a light on both sides of the bed.
5. There is always a laugh track that laughs way too much, settle down fake laughter it’s not that funny.
6. People are always much more attractive on sitcoms than anyone you see in real life.
7. Everyone sits on the same side of the table.
8. Children are never in the episode unless they are needed for some reason.
9. It is always the same whether outside unless it is Christmas.
10. People never eat what is on their plate they just push it around, maybe the will take one bite, but that’s it.

34 years later, it all comes back to seventy-two

Men v. Women
Women love to complain, men ignore women’s complaints. Women can’t take the extra effort to put the toilet seat up, but men have to make the extra effort to put the seat down. Women can go out and buy whatever they want, but men have to get permission first. Women love shopping, men love football. Women are sensitive, men never show emotion besides anger. Men pay the bills every month, women have their period every month. Men drive most places, women backseat drive most places.

Naked Gun 33 and a Third

Fashion Rules
1. Wearing a t-shirt in the pool can hide your massive girth, and no one will figure out that’s why you’re wearing it.
2. Wearing sandals in any type of weather, be it snow, rain, or hurricanes, is as appropriate today as it was in Jesus’ time.
3. Wearing socks with sandals not only keeps your feet warm, but it also allows them to breathe.
4. Popping your color lets everyone know how seriously cool you are.
5. Wearing a pink shirt is like wearing a sign that says “I am awesome and I don’t kiss boys.”
6. Clipping your cellular phone to your belt, the top of you pants, or the outside of you pocket lets everyone know that you have a phone, and thus you are popular enough to have people call you, and you definitely are not a douche.
7. Dressing “Goth” is also intelligent in any climate, all that black in the hot sun just screams “I’m a genius!”
8. Buying jeans with holes in them shows everyone that you are rich enough to afford jeans with holes in them.
9. Mustaches are not just for gay men or porn stars anymore; they are also for police officers.
10. It is appropriate to wear a soda branded shirt for all occasions.

32 Short Films About Glenn Gould

The Five: Shows that made me cry
Fresh Prince of Bel Air: The episode where Will Smith’s dad comes back, the episode where Phil is in the hospital and Carlton is afraid to visit him, and the finale episode. 

Boy Meets World: The episode where Tapenga moves away, the last episode, and a few other episodes. 

Scrubs: Episode 60 – My Screw Up 

Full House: When Uncle Jesse moved out and the family acted like they would never see him again. 

Family Matters: I don’t really remember the episode, but it was when Carl got really mad at Steve and told him he never wanted to see him again then Steve ends up saving the day some how.

The 31 Planes of Existence

Girls
First there was Mary she looked like Mariah Carey
I thought she loved me but it was to the contrary
When we went out I paid for everything
She made me buy her a car and a diamond ring
She was a gold digger and she begged me to stay
I was stuck in her trap and couldn’t get away
Finally I saw through her
I grabbed all my stuff and said “screw her”

You know girls they come and they go
But the perfect girl you may never know
You know girls they come and they go
But the perfect girl you may never know

Next there was Jenny, she didn’t want a penny
When it came to money she didn’t need any
She liked me even though our tastes were varied
But after the third date she wanted to get married
I said “Lady you must be crazy”
Or maybe your mind is a little hazy
She tried to make me see it her way
But before she could convince me I told her I was gay

You know girls they come and they go
But the perfect girl you may never know
You know girls they come and they go
But the perfect girl you may never know

Then there was Sam, she didn’t give a damn
Everything she said and did was a sham
She said I was here one and only
But that turned out to be bologna
I loved her so much until I found out all these lies
It turned out she was with four other guys
Not only that she had a spouse
That’s when I struck a match and burnt down her house

You know girls they come and they go
But the perfect girl you may never know
You know girls they come and they go
But the perfect girl you may never know

Finally I met Christina we ran into each other at the arena
You wouldn’t be able to look away if you seen her
She didn’t have no kids and she didn’t have a man
She had blonde hair and the perfect tan
It was amazing how great we got along
I knew there had to be something wrong
She was too good to be true
It turns out she had AIDS and now I do, too

The 30 Years War

Flying Rules
1. Get to the airport early.
2. Have you ID and ticket and stuff ready.
3. Remove all your metal shit before going through the thing instead of going through 2, 3, or 4 times.
4. Leave your gun at home.
5. When taking off or landing keep your seatbelt on and place you tray tables in their upright and locked position.
6. Don’t lean you seat back because that is very uncomfortable for the person behind you.
7. Control your children, the person sitting in the row behind you does not want to look at your child or play games with them and nobody wants to hear your baby cry for 3 hours.
8. If you are not in the aisle seat, know that you are not getting up to go to the bathroom because it is impossible to climb over people and it’s rude to ask them to move.
9. When boarding or deboarding (a term I made up for getting off the plane) wait your turn, especially when deboarding because everyone trying to get their crap out of the overhead things and get off at once is just madness.
10. Do not do anything that affects the ears of the people around you like watching a movie on a laptop or listening to music without headphones.

City of 29 Palms

Allusion
I need a dime cause I’m in love with a stripper
Better yet a dollar so I can tip her
I’m sprung and I need to get with her

She’s a promiscuous girl but her hip don’t lie
When I’m getting some head I believe I can fly
I see her grindin on that poll and wish she’d grind on me
I’m trying to buy a bottle of patron but I’ve got no I.D.
Boy I think she likes me better yet I know
When I snap my fingers I see her get low
She backs that ass up and drops it like it’s hot
I’m trying to get in her number 1 spot
Meet me in the trap
Where we make it clap, just make it clap

I need a dime cause I’m in love with a stripper
Better yet a dollar so I can tip her
I’m sprung and I need to get with her

I’m a balla baby but I’m lonely
That’s why I’m making her my one and only
I’m posted up in the parking lot ridin’ dirty
I can be your Superman but I’m not nerdy
Don’t sweat the technique just let it be
If you’re cool you can get your lap dance here for free
I’m not saying she’s a gold digger because I’m not rich
I’m just in the club looking for badd bitch
Meet me in the mall
Where we can just get it on like a booty call

I need a dime cause I’m in love with a stripper
Better yet a dollar so I can tip her
I’m sprung and I need to get with her

We be chillin at the Holidae In
And I don’t know where to begin
I should’ve know nothin’ in life is free
This love has taken it’s toll on me
All my life I pray for someone like you
But now I’m so sick and it aint the flu
I get knocked down but I get up again
I don’t need you as a lover or a friend
Just meet me in the club
Now I’ve got 99 problems but a bitch aint one