The Useless Blog

#45 Michael Jordan

Saf — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 17:20:30 +0000

Pirates of the Caribbean v. The Original Star Wars
Pirates is basically a rip off of Star Wars, but Star Wars is ten times better. If don’t believe me just picture this:

Captain Jack = Han Solo
Both are filled with badassery and always look out for #1, but still manage to defy expectations and always come through in the clutch.

Will Turner = Luke Skywalker
Both are cute guys who are some how tougher than they look and good with a sword, whether it is a light saber or a traditional sword. And they also grew up without knowing their real parents.

Elizabeth Swan = Princess Leia
Both are strong-spirited women that know how to fight for their selves, and are involved in love triangles with the other 2 guys in their respective movies.

Bootstrap Bill = Darth Vader
Both Luke and Will grew up never knowing their fathers, and Luke’s dad is his mortal enemy Darth Vader (James Earl Jones), while Will’s is Bootstrap Bill (Stellan Skarsgard), an indentured member of the enemy, Davy Jones’, crew. And in the end they help their son in some way.

Davy Jones = Jabba the Hut
Both are hideously ugly and evil and Davy is after Jack to cash in an I.O.U. for a lifetime of servitude, and Jabba has a crew of bounty hunters combing the galaxy for the debt-owing Han.

Tia Dalma = Yoda
Both can see the future, spouts pearls of wisdom using strange grammar, boasts a Force-like mastery of magic (she brought Barbossa back to life) and has a general distaste for personal hygiene.

The Flying Dutchman = the Death Star
In ‘Star Wars,’ the Empire’s Death Star leaves a trail of disintegrated planets and, of course, death in its wake. In ‘Pirates,’ that honor falls to Davy Jones’ ship the Flying Dutchman.

Dead Man’s Chest = Empire Strikes Back
Both end with a climactic cliffhanger with Captain Jack being eaten by the Kraken and Han being frozen in carbonite. As well as Barbossa still being alive, and Vader being Luke’s father.

At Worlds End = Return of the Jedi
Both start with a daring rescue mission Will and Elizabeth sail to the ends of the Earth to bring Jack back from Davy Jones’ locker, and Luke and Leia travel to the edge of the galaxy to rip Han from Jabba’s disgusting clutches.

44 Way to Succeed

Saf — Mon, 28 May 2007 22:53:25 +0000

My Name Is… Earl (Eminem – My Name Is…)

[Chorus (2x):]

Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)

My name is.. [scratches] Earl Hicky

Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)

My name is.. [scratches] Earl Hicky

Ahem.. excuse me!

Can I have the attention of the class for one second?

Hi kids! Do you like karma? (Yeah yeah yeah!)

Would you rather watch some rednecks than learn about dharma? (Uh-huh!)

Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? (Yeah yeah!)

Win the lottery, get hit by are car, and lose it? (Huh?)

My brother’s dead weight, we share a bed but we’re straight

I ended up married to my wife, after one date (Ummmm..)

And Crab Man says, “Hey Earl how’s it hangin?”

Uh-uhhh! “Earl Jr.’s black? No me and Joy ain’t bangin!”

Well since age twelve, I’ve beat up on everyone else

And my life sucked so I need to change the hand I was dealt

Then Carson Daly explained it to me

Do good things and good things will happen is the key

I was last in my class and I didn’t pass

But now I got my act together and got off my ass

I mean “butt” (Hicky, you are right, “ass” is bad dog)

Now people can stop judging me like David Hasselhoff

[Chorus]

All my teachers flunked me out of high school

But I went back, and proved I’m not a fool

Now I am on the other side seeing how students treat teachers

So I got back at them and now they will be good for years (Owwwwwwww!)

Walked in the Crab Shack, to grab a tasty snack

Say “hey” to Crab Man, then pick a number on my list to attack

I stole a women’s leg, I hit a house with eggs

I went to a children’s birthday party and provided the kegs.

Everyone I know I have lied to

I just found out Kenny likes men, instead of women like I do (Damn!)

I told him I would help him find a boyfriend

I made a list and now I must make amends (Oh thank you!)

I explain it to people and some misunderstand

I have a list of bad deeds and I need to fix them with my hands (Aaahhhhhh!)

I live in a hotel and I’m friends with the staff

(Dude, can I get your autograph?)
One is Catalina and now she is Randy’s better half

[Chorus]

I can’t escape! I’m in jail now, I’m locked away! (Get him!)

I better be careful, I think I should cooperate!

I’m ready to leave; jail is scary inside (Fuck that!)

I will have to be chained up, held down, and then tied (Huh yup!)

What is next on my list? I can barely decide

Maybe I can do one I previously tried

Stole a car from a one-legged girl

If I cannot do it then I guess my name isn’t Earl (Whoops!)

I was featured on the news at 6 o’clock (hachhh-too)

Because seeing my doing good deeds is a shock (weird)

When I was a dad my kids would go nuts and throw fits

The more sugar they had the worse it gets

I lay awake and with Randy in the bed

And he tells me about the stuff in his head (BANG!)

A dream he had (Arrrggghhh!)

He was Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd was our dad (Yeah?)

And he was being shot at which made him sad

[Chorus]

43 Things

Saf — Sat, 05 May 2007 19:24:42 +0000

Skrilla
I make dollars like the US Treasury
I’ve got more dough than Homer or Pillsbury
I make bread like Aunt Millie
I could buy a city the size of Philly

I’ve got money fallin out my pockets
I’ve got 100 shoes in my walk-in closet
I’ve got spinnin rims on my escalade
And I’m blowin up like a hand grenade

I make bills like Mrs. Clinton

The banks too small for my money to fit in

I make cheddar like Kraft Foods

I have a different house for all of my moods

I’ve got enough money to build a rocket

And I’d put a hot tub in the cockpit

If I line up all my cars I could have a parade

And I’m blowin up like a hand grenade

I make green like blue and yellow

I could buy the whole world some jell-o

I make paper like Dunder Mifflin

But I can’t afford to pay attention

I’ve got more power than an electric socket

I can buy LA with one deposit

I started with a stand makin lemonade

Now I’m blowin up like a hand grenade

I make cake like angle food

If having money is bad mannered than consider me rude

I’ve got more money to my name than Johnny Cash

I can use caviar to wax my mustache

Level 42

Saf — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 16:01:51 +0000

Dane Cook is shit
Tourgasm was shit; there were never and jokes and everything was edited to make Dane look good and if you watch the credits closely you will see that Dane is the editor. Also they made it seem like these guys were good friends and I have seen interviews with the other guys after the show and found out that Dane doesn’t even talk to them anymore. And how can 4 comics not be funny once when they are just hanging out?

His HBO special was shit; he did like 15 minutes on crying and how people will be at work and then have a feeling that they have to cry and wait until they get home and not only was it unfunny, but it didn’t make any sense.

His last CD was shit; I bought it the day it came out and listened to it twice at most then I was done.

His Podcast is shit; all he does is read his MySpace comments into what could be the worst microphone ever.

He steals jokes and here is proof, http://www.redban.com/audio/danesteals.mp3, you will just have to trust me that Louis CK had the jokes first because he has been around for years and Dane just put those jokes on his last CD. And if he’s not stealing jokes he is just repeating the same shit every time he does anything.

He is fake; I have heard stories from people that have met him and they way he is in person is not the way he is on stage, one day he wore a Yankees hat to a Crank Yankers taping even though he is a supposed die hard Red Sox fan, maybe he thought the saw was Crank Yankees, and he acted like he didn’t get any bad comments on Tourgasm or anything else he does even though I know people have sent them to him.

41 North: An American Grill

Saf — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 00:22:56 +0000

What we learn from DuckTales…
1. Ducks don’t have to wear pants, but they wear shirts.
2. Everyone in Duckberg has some kind of duck pun name like Launchpad McQuack, Mrs. Beakly, and Duckworth.
3. Huey, Dewy, and Louie have no parents; they have an Uncle Scrooge and an Uncle Donald.
4. Scrooge is the worst uncle in the world; he will take his nephews on dangerous missions while usually leaving Webby home alone.
5. You can use a cane to hang off cliffs as well as attain hard to reach things.
6. Scrooge is able to balance those weird little glasses things on his beak no matter the situation, but his top hat will fall off, usually catching it with the use of his cane.
7. Scrooge is the richest man/duck in the world but he still flies with a pilot that crashes 99% of the time he leaves the ground.
8. Launchpad has a weird relationship Huey, Dewy, and Louie’s friend Doofus where it is okay to hang out in his room and be buddies even though Launchpad is like 30.
9. No jail can hold the Beagle Boys; they will always escape some how.
10. You can dive in large piles of change as if it is water and you will not break your neck.

40 days and 40 nights

Saf — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 18:53:37 +0000

God v. Satan
God is everything that is good in the world while Satan is all that is evil. You may think that it is easy to see that God beats Satan, but with out evil there is no good, so I have to say that it is a draw.

The 39 Steps

Saf — Tue, 08 Aug 2006 19:43:58 +0000

Reality Show Rules
1. People are put into circumstances that never happen in actual reality.
2. Celebrity reality shows never have people that are actual celebrities, but they may have been famous 10 years ago or for about 12 minutes at one point.
3. There is always a bitch that will do anything to win and doesn’t care about anybody, but herself.
4. There is always some crazy dude that thinks he is hilarious, and that is who I root for.
5. There is always a gay or lesbian that acts really, really gay.
6. There is always one token black guy or girl and he or she is usually the first to go unless it is an athletic competition.
7. There is always some girl that is constantly crying.
8. There is always some guy that is way over confident that ends up getting out early in the competition.
9. There are always two people cannot get along and fight the whole time.
10. There is always one person that is way older than everyone else and he or she will make it about half way, but they never win because they are old.

Gerald Ford: The 38th President of the United States

Saf — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 19:31:13 +0000

Hitler v. Stalin
Between 1939 and 1945 the SS, assisted by collaborationist governments and recruits from occupied countries, systematically killed about 11 million people, including about 6 million Jews, in concentration camps, ghettos and mass executions, or through less systematic methods elsewhere. Early researchers of the number killed by Stalin’s regime were forced to rely largely upon anecdotal evidence, and their estimates range as high as 60 million. Depending on how you look at it I will say Stalin is the winner.

37 Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss

Saf — Mon, 31 Jul 2006 19:46:28 +0000

Cartoon Rules
1. Characters often blow up, fall off cliffs, or get squashed by anvils, but are unharmed.
2. Everything you buy from ACME is junk and blows up in your face, literally.
3. Anytime cartoon characters enter a dark place all that is visible is their eyes.
4. The mouse always outsmarts the cat.
5. The rules of gravity don’t apply, characters can walk of cliffs and float in the air for as many as 5 seconds before looking down and realizing the are no longer on solid ground.
6. When characters get hit on the head birds or stars fly around their head.
7. Bugs always fly around in large clouds.
8. Duck’s bills are magical, they can move around the ducks head when they are hit with something or they will be the only thing remaining when a duck blows up and the body turns to ashes
9. Animals usually wear shirts but not pants for some reason.
10. When characters run down a hallway or something you see the same lamp and picture repeated over and over in the background.

The 36 Strategies of Ancient China

Saf — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 17:11:13 +0000

Summer v. Winter
In the summer your balls stick to your legs because of sweat, in the winter your balls stick to your legs because they are frozen. In the summer the temperature is 80, in winter the temperature is 8. In summer people complain about the weather being to hot, in winter people complain about the weather being to cold. In the summer lots of people go swimming, in the winter less people go swimming. In the summer people have water balloon fights which fell good because it is hot outside, in the winter people have snowball fights which never feel good because it is cold outside and snowballs are hard. In the summer you get 3 months off school for Summer Vacation, in the winter you get 3 weeks off of school for Winter Vacation. In the winter Santa comes and brings you presents, in the summer you forget all about the presents Santa brought.