The Useless Blog

Just another useless thing.

Five Hundred 25 Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

Posted by Saf on June 19, 2006

I Wish
I wish I knew a girl
We could travel ‘round the world
But that’s not why I need her
I need her so I can breed her

She’d give me some ass
Give me some poon
Afterwards
We could spoon

I wish I knew a girl
We could travel ‘round the world
But that’s not why I need her
I need her so I can breed her

We could make love
Or make babies
Or have a threesome
With two ladies

I wish I knew a girl
We could travel ‘round the world
But that’s not why I need her
I need her so I can breed her

She’d give me head
Give me dome
Give me brain
And fellatio

I wish I knew a girl
We could travel ‘round the world
But that’s not why I need her
I need her so I can breed her

I’d see her boobs
Grab her tits
Give them a squeeze
If time permits

Posted in Lyrics | 1 Comment »

Proposition 24

Posted by Saf on June 16, 2006

The Five: Greatest Kanye West Lyrics
1. Late – “I went to junior high with all of them and they been slow, If I can catch the beat then slow down the tempo, Just notice at the end if I'm too late for the intro, Will I make it from the student loans to a Benz-o?, Like old folks pissin, I guess it all (Depends), oh”
2. Roses – “If Magic Johnson got a cure for A.I.D.S., And all the broke muthafuckers past away, You tellin me if my grandma was in the N.B.A., Right now she'd be ok?”
3. Gone – “Says she want diamonds, I took her to Ruby Tuesdays, If we up in Friday's, I still have it my way”
4. Bring Me Down – “It's funny how these wack niggaz need my help, Wasn't around when I couldn't feed myself, Dog, If I was you, I wouldn't feel myself, Dog, If I was you, I'd kill myself, Made a mill myself, and I'm still myself, And I'ma look in the mirror if I need some help”
5. Diamonds From Sierra Leone – “Take your diamonds and throw 'em up like you bulimic, Yea the beat cold but the flow is anemic”

Posted in Lists | 2 Comments »

23 Skidoo

Posted by Saf on June 13, 2006

That Don’t Make Sense
Look out below like Aladdin
If you don’t I’ll make you mutter like John Madden
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks
But you can teach them to fetch sticks

That makes no sense, but it makes sense to me
I’ve been doing this since 1993
Before I could add 3 times 3
That makes no sense, but it makes sense to me
That makes no sense, but it makes sense to me

I know the alphabet except letters A through Z
I know how to count; 1, 5, 3
I can run faster than money
And fly higher than Bugs Bunny

That don’t make sense, but it makes sense to me
I’ve been doing shit since 1993
Before I paid for things that were free
That don’t make sense, but it makes sense to me
That don’t make sense, but it makes sense to me

I read a book, but didn’t look at the words
I took a crap without any turds
I’m a genius, but I’m not a nerd
I came after two, but I wasn’t third

That don’t make no sense, but it makes sense to me
I’ve been doing nothing since 1993
Before I could unlock things without a key
That don’t make no sense, but it makes sense to me
That don’t make no sense, but it makes sense to me

Posted in Lyrics | 2 Comments »

Catch 22

Posted by Saf on June 8, 2006

If
If I was a song I’d keep on singing
If I was a bell I’d keep on ringing
If I was a bee I’d keep on stinging
If I was a swing I’d keep on swinging

If I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner
Everyone would be in love with me
If I were just a little meaner
People wouldn’t be in love with me

If I was a car I’d drive around the streets
If I was a bus I’d be filled with seats
If I was Shaq I’d play for the Heat
If it was Halloween I’d say Trick or Treat

If I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner
Everyone would be in love with me
If I were just a little meaner
People wouldn’t be in love with me

If I was an idea I’d just be a notion
If I was sad I’d be an emotion
If I was a boat I’d sail across the ocean
If I was the world I’d continually be in motion

If I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner
Everyone would be in love with me
If I were just a little meaner
People wouldn’t be in love with me

If I was a woman I would be a bitch
If I was Bill Gates I’d be filthy stinkin’ rich
If I was on Charmed I’d be a witch
If I was in a machine I’d be a glitch

Posted in Lyrics | 1 Comment »

21 Gun Solute

Posted by Saf on June 2, 2006

Superman v. Batman
Superman is the most powerful being on Earth whose only weakness is Kryptonite and Batman is just a normal man whose weakness is everything, there is no contest. Do the math, obviously Superman would win every time unless Batman had some kryptonite in that gay belt he always wears in which case Superman could fly away and Batman would have to go get his Batjet or Batplane because he can’t even fly. And when is that last time you saw Batman fly around the world so fast that it spun the opposite direction and caused time to go backwards? What kind of superhero doesn’t even have superpowers? I’ll tell you what kind; the gay kind. Why is Batman gay you ask? One word; Robin. I like Batman, but there is no way he could beat Superman, and Robin is a douche bag.

Posted in Verses | 2 Comments »

20th Century Fox

Posted by Saf on June 1, 2006

I Can’t
I’m not a college dropout like Kanye West
I’m not in a group like a Tribe Called Quest
Unlike T.I. I’ve never been under arrest
And my names never been in Readers Digest

I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
If I could I would be ahead of my time

I’m not a thug like Krayzie Bone
I don’t have a grill like Mike Jones
Unlike Paul Wall I’m just left alone
No one knows me, I’m still unknown 

I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
If I could I would be ahead of my time 

I’m not a G like Bun B
I’m not a pimp like the D O double G
My last names not Houston like Marquis
I’m not famous, that’s a guarantee 

I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
I can’t spit the rhymes all of the time
If I could I would be ahead of my time

Posted in Lyrics | 1 Comment »

19 eighty-four

Posted by Saf on May 26, 2006

How Will You Die?
Nathaniel Berg – While in a movie theater, a crazed man with a gun begins firing shots randomly. You're struck in the back of the head and fall slumped over in your seat as blood pours from your mouth.

Paul Reidhaar – You get out of bed late one night to investigate a strange sound. Minutes later, you're cornered by several intruders and are beaten to death with your own fireplace tools.

Clint Goble – While walking to your car after visiting a friend in a rather bad part of town, you are caught in the middle of a drive-by shooting. You are hit several times in the chest. You watch as blood pours from your body as you fall to the ground. You die from massive blood loss.

Jared Freemen – While in a batting cage, you're struck in the chest by a baseball. You enter cardiac arrest and die within minutes.

Keith Heimann – While crossing what is typically a very quiet street, you're struck by a speeding motorist and are killed instantly.

Bob Horne – A group of disgruntled coworkers duct tapes you to a wall and uses you as a human dartboard. You die from agonizingly slow blood loss caused by hundreds of puncture wounds.

Katy Anderson – While rummaging through the trunk of your car, a disgruntled neighbor approaches you from behind and slams the trunk repeatedly onto you, eventually cutting you in half at the waist.

Josh Hargrave – While in a hardware store, a strange man picks up an axe and attacks you with it, dismembering your body.

Kyle Brower – A deranged cook at a Chinese restaurant attacks you violently with a meat cleaver after you complain about your meal.

Amy Reidhaar – You are involved in a car accident while failing to wear your seatbelt. You are thrown through the windshield, and your lifeless body is splattered onto the street.

Kevin Boedeker – As the unfortunate target of a serial killer, you are stripped and chained to the ground spread-eagle. Your torso is slit open with a razor blade, and you are covered with dozens of large rats, which proceed to feed their way into your body.

Posted in Lists | 3 Comments »

18 seconds before sunrise

Posted by Saf on May 24, 2006

Before I Die
I wanna sing like Bowling For Soup
I wanna rap like my dogg Snoop
I wanna go to France and take a poop
I wanna take Kobe to the hoop

I wanna do all that I can before I die
If I don’t I might as well die
I’m telling the truth I wouldn’t lie
Don’t wanna go to hell when I die

I wanna take a walk on the moon
I wanna wake up before noon
I wanna own a flying car, soon
I wanna eat soup with a spoon

I wanna go to Japan before I die
If I don’t I might as well die
I’m telling the truth I wouldn’t lie
Don’t wanna go to hell when I die

I wanna take a trip to Kalamazoo
I wanna make an album chopped and screwed
I wanna have a kid or maybe two
I wanna swim in a pool of Mountain Dew

I wanna become a man before I die
If I don’t I might as well die
I’m telling the truth I wouldn’t lie
Don’t wanna go to hell when I die

Posted in Lyrics | 3 Comments »

I learned the truth at 17

Posted by Saf on May 19, 2006

People I would love to slap Vol. 2

1. Everyone that worked on Superman IV, for making that garbage and ruining a great series of movies.
2. George Lucas, do I really need to explain, have you seen the new Star Wars movies, they are trash when compared to the originals.
3. Jake Gyllenhaal, I wish I could quit slap you.
4. Colin Farrell, I don’t think I have seen one movie with him that I liked.
5. Mel Gibson, I wish he would just leave behind The Passion and Apocalypto and start doing movies like Mad Max and Lethal Weapon again.
6. Jennifer Lopez, not only is she a terrible actor and a bad singer, I don’t find her that attractive.
7. Will Ferrell, because he does not know how to turn down any movie that his is offered.
8. Nintendo, because they changed the name of the Revolution to the Wii.
9. Britney Spears, because she used to be so hott.
10. Tom Cruise again, I still really want to slap him.

Posted in Lists | 4 Comments »

16 Candles

Posted by Saf on May 16, 2006

Time (Never Stops)
First they grow up
Then the grow beards
Then they grow hair out of their ears

They learn to walk
They learn to run
They learn to ride a bike for fun

Time, never stops, it never stops for anyone
Time, never stops, it never stops so have fun

Next they go to school
Then they go to work
Then they go to hell if they’re a jerk

They learn to run
They learn to read
They learn to buy the things they need

Time, never stops, it never stops for anyone
Time, never stops, it never stops so have fun

They learn to read
They learn to write
They learn to defend themselves in a fight

They have sex
They have a kid
It grows up like they did

Time, never stops, it never stops for anyone
Time, never stops, it never stops so have fun

Posted in Lyrics | 2 Comments »